Exposed

Robert Trivers, one of the most famous Evolutionary Biologists, posits that deceit is a cornerstone of our evolutionary development. Through the process of sexual and natural selection human beings have evolved to be masters of deception: the best being those who deceive themselves.

“Start walking” said Juliana, our group leader for the workshop.

I start walking.

“Don’t speak” she said.

I don’t speak.

I walk softly on the soft blue matted floor. Brisk movement of bodies move by me, like electrons circulating the nucleus, moving in unconscious harmony. Rhythmical movements of pounding feet, I feel the cool air of mass moving through space.

Before coming, I had gelled my hair. Always the same: slicked back short hair with a subtle wave towards my right eye. I trimmed my beard. Always the same: clean, short, but a little rugged. I put on deodorant. Pants or short? I chose pants: I had not trimmed my leg hair. Gross. Red button down shirt: casual but intellectual. I looked in the mirror.

We continue to walk. I keep my gaze towards the floor. Shoulders back, straight neck, tight core. I lift the corner of my right lip and give a small upward nod to the good looking dude who just walked by. “By association,” I thought, “by association.”

“Find a partner” Juliana said suddenly. “Do not speak.”

Shoulders back, straight neck, tight core. My heart starts to beat quickly. Shoulders back, straight neck, tight core. Everyone else has a partner. Shoulders back, straight neck, tight core. Oh god. Me and that loser? Shoulders back, straight neck, tight core. I bump into a girl with long, straight black hair with bright, large blue eyes wearing a flowery perfume.

I want to tell her I am a Psychology Graduate Student. Oh and that I used to run this club. Oh yeah, I was a Wilderness Expedition Guide. Did I tell you that I read existentialist philosophy for fun?

“Remember, no talking”, Juliana repeated.

I look down towards the blue mat awkwardly.

“Look at your partner in the eyes” she added.

I slowly gaze upwards into those large, bright blue eyes. She is giggling. I giggle uncomfortably. I look back down and then up again. I move my gaze from one eye to the other. She giggles. I giggle. I put my hand in my pocket. I take it out of my pocket.

“Continue to stare” Juliana continued.

She sees my crooked nose, my thin frame, my small, hairy body. I shift my body, moving my weight from one side to the other.

Shoulders back, straight neck, tight core.

She is still staring.

I start intellectualizing: visual stimuli transforming into electrical energy, neuronal patterning between the somatosensory system and the thalamus, organizing, processing. Stimuli interacting with the amygdala and the hypothalamus. Pupil dilations, shortened breath, heart beating. Chronic heightened cortisol release.

She is still staring.

“Take a deep breath” Juliana reminded us.

I want her to see me.

Tears form around my eyelids.

“I’m sorry!” she mouths, giggling uncomfortably.

I want to say it’s not her fault. I want to say it’s no big deal.

But I continue to feel the tears fall. I feel embarrassed.

She is still staring.

When will this be over?

I look down towards the ground. I look up again. I put my hand in my pocket. I take it out of my pocket. I shift my body, moving my weight from one side to the other. I look down towards the ground. I look up again.

I look at her. I continue to look. I take a deep breath.

She smiles. I smile.

I realize that this is all that I have ever wanted.

“Start walking” Juliana chimed back in.